I lost my father a few days ago. He died, suddenly, leaving me with a heart struggling to deal with a unique and perhaps the severest kind of pain it ever had to face and a mind wondering about the essence of death, trying to figure out what it is.
The pain that befell me and continues to kill me over the loss of my father cannot be described. But what I will attempt to reflect on here is the experience of overcoming the loss of someone who meant the world to me.
I will share my experience of letting go the pain of loss and sorrow and reviving the connection and the companionship.
When you lose someone so special and so dear and close to you, even his death becomes a source of inspiration, imbibing in you both shock and conflict of feelings- and over and above a set of lessons to learn and a lot more to de-learn about life.
Death confronts you with reality, a kind of truth you’re faced with for the first time in your life, and suddenly everything seems, sounds and feels different. Yes death turns your life head over heals. You start yearning to capture that part of life that you don’t know and questioning that which you already know or think you know.
Death removes the veil over many truths about this life and the other, same way it breaks your previous perception about life.
In a blink of an eye, life is not what it used to be, because you become someone else, you change, instantly!
Ever since I came to this life, father has been the pampering figure, the teaching and didactic figure and also the inspirational and protective one.
And now I have to live my life without that aspect of it, without that fountain of love, kindness and protection.
Missing that protective shield now, life is very scary and cold.
In a blink of an eye you left my world, father, leaving me wondering “what is the essence of life”.
Now I can see it short, trivial and out of control.
To me, lie now is sort of a checkpoint at which I stop briefly during my journey to the final settlement.
Even in your sudden death, you left me with a message, to learn from you dying same way I learned from your living.
Nevertheless the distance, you continue to give me support, power and inspiration.
Indeed, love grows and never ceases to exist.
Companionship know no boundaries and has little to do with physical existence.
Companionship is about the connection, and that’s why I feel you close and equally supportive. Distance will not disconnect me from you.
Father, I will be searching for you till my last day, even if I know you’re around.
Forever you shall be that part of my humble self linking me to the other world.
Till we meet again, up there, stay close, I miss you and shall ever need you.